Reflections of A Birthday Anniversary

birthday two days ago. another year of feeling ancient. i now suddenly feel a pressing need to report the process of how i have matured over the past year for some reason, so here goes...

Since a year's passing of my natal day I have learned to be "assertive" as they call it. It is officially my new found strength. Just when I don't think I can get any stronger and give it to someone who needs it more than I do I find a new weakness and conquer it. With time of course. So, assertiveness is my most recent one that took probably all of last year to acquire. Perhaps my whole life would be more apt to say? But I did it and it was worth it!



In it I have learned that it is more than fine to inquire, seek after, and occasionally deny acceptance of things and people. It is a habit as a result of past consequences for me to merely endure things (that is to endure not having or acquiring things to be precise as to what I am specifically addressing). Being so in the state of mind, I find, there are times it is rather unnecessary to "deal with" things in my life when I can instead pursue them unrelentingly. I don't need to "learn to live without" things. I have! I've done it my entire span of my life! Now it is time for me to mature further and not only set goals, but reach them! Sometimes I merely need to take the initiative of self and realize what I can have and unabashedly receive it!



For a substantial amount of my life I had been told how I needed to be, "more assertive" about things and people in my life. Told that there was in fact such a thing as being far "too nice" and that I was indeed the ultimate definition of it (too good for my own health in other words). It was a difficult process learning not to be, because growing up as a child I was abused. Both physically, verbally, and even mentally. I didn't even know it when it was happening, but I did come to realize it around the time of jr. high-school. The effects of abuse on me resulted in being extremely shy and leery of people. If my own mother could harm me within these four walls, there was no telling what strangers would do to me outside of what I wrongly perceived to be a safe haven. It was bad enough I barely understood the sexual advances men would make towards me at only 7 years of age and I didn't grow up around men in my immediate family so it had quite the negative impression on me.



But now I am stronger. Slowly and at times rapidly I have turned my weaknesses and detrimental impacts into positive enlightenment and have aided people who have experienced just the same as I have. I am certainly grateful to have come this far in my life and use my strengths to aid others where they were once weak but are now strong or even stronger. I look forward to learning, growing, maturing, and further strengthening my evolving better person in this new year of life I've just begun. Another year, another life, another conquest, and another triumph!