even if it were meant to be i'd still put up a fight

Even If It Were Meant To Be, I'd Still Put Up A Fight

i have for the past nearly 7 years. it's funny how 6 took me to get there in the first place. it's not a fear of flying, it's a fear of dying. dying all over again. a heart broken like glass. i never loved you. you never loved me. i don't think i could ever love you... at least not the way you would if you could ever love me, however it is that may be. it still freaks me out how you reside 6-10 minutes away in my neck of the woods. it still freaks me out when i see your birthday. it still freaks me out when he looks just like you, smiles like you, walks like you, and fuck his humor is even yours too. i wish you'd go away forever. you did but you're still here. Heart still beating and still breathing... you always show up inside someone else. waiting to catch my glance when i'm in a haze and stare me down daring to react just like those days spent pretending it was just us in that room, to recall what we once thought we felt if anything at all, to resolve what has become the now... but even if it were meant to be i'd still put up a fight.

i'm resolving it my way. the way you once did... just like when we were kids. it wasn't our fault we were "young and naive" as they say. i certainly was. we weren't ready. when you thought you were you came back and you were sorry but i felt nothing for you so i turned away. of course you came back again. suddenly this time you were speechless... for once... but i wasn't. i was speechless to you yes that's true but i had plenty to say to the one person that mattered. you sped away in a daze and i was polite but shaken up and hoped it wouldn't happen again... i know it will, it always does. a couple years will pass but it always happens. this time around i just don't want to be there. i want out. forever. i hope even as small as the world is it's somehow big enough to get away from you. i wonder if you see me in her the way i see you in him... i wonder if you see my soul in her through her eyes. i truly hope you don't, because more than likely it's what keeps you coming after me.

it hurt so much the first time i died like this... i couldn't... i couldn't... EVEN BREATHE! literally! i just stood there. i watched it happen just like it did in the dream i had... down to the very earrings she wore. i broke into a million pieces... i had to pick myself up and carry myself home, even as i was falling apart. i had to face the one who didn't believe me the whole time and tell her she was right and that it was over now and tell her everything that happened. i just didn't want her to prod me about you later on. it was bad enough all of them saw me die like this. they saw me break at one of the hardest falls i've been broken from and it was on display for the world to see. they didn't understand no but they saw and wondered. after all was said and done i went into my room to complete my funeral over you and bury myself alone forever in a dark cave. i even wrote about it right after. sometimes i share it when i feel close to someone and want to become vulnerable. i just wish someday i could forget my own funeral... but i won't. i can't... it is my own funeral after all... but even if it were meant to be i'd still put up a fight.

your mother wanted us to be together. she wanted it so much. even as much as i did if not more so. she always fought for us. she fought so hard when no one else would... even when i felt like i couldn't... she fought so hard at times i thought she was my own mother too. granted i hadn't really known that kind of motherly love like feeling before... she'd drop hints here and there about you trying to teach me of you and i'm sure she even did the same about me to you. it's how you knew my favorite color at the time was red and and it's why you wore red that day and made sure i noticed... i still remember when she called and invited "us" (my mother and I) over but was really inviting me to see you and spend time with you again. i wanted to but we knew we had to keep up appearances because my mother didn't approve the way yours did but of course that didn't stop my heart from beating faster at the thought of you or it stopping whenever  i saw you.

i remember that day i arrived looking for you as so often i did and when i found you that day you were heartbroken over something or someone. i didn't understand what happened but i wanted to. i didn't know how to approach you about it. i didn't want to offend you or bring more attention to your pain. i only wanted to take it away so you didn't hurt anymore. my efforts were useless and helpless so i left you alone figuring that was just what you needed. to be just that. alone. then another day it happened again. i don't think this time i was exactly looking for you but i found you anyway... you were broken again. to the point of tears. you seemed more upset and angry than sad this time. so i blamed me. i blamed myself figuring it was something i did. something i didn't know i did but did anyway and that hurt you somehow. i wanted to fix it but i didn't know what it was so therefore i didn't know how to fix it but even if i did know i probably would have still been helpless. as i so often was at that age. we both were. we were so full of emotions that we didn't understand but tried to understand and sometimes tried to make go away. sometimes we tried a little too hard even i suppose... however, even if it were meant to be, i'd still put up a fight.

i'd like to think those feelings are all gone now and that they are still dead like the day they died with me, but the fact is i still think of you every once in awhile and wonder when we'll accidently see each other again as often it goes seeing as we are neighbors in a way... for the longest time all of my thoughts of you were negative and hurtful but they aren't anymore. im not sure if i'm still hurt but i do remember being hurt and how hurt i was and i don't ever want that to happen again. ever. i refuse to let it. i'm just not ready... i'm not sure i'll ever be. it's just not meant to be. it can't be. i don't want you. i never will. i hope not more for my sake than yours. don't ever come back. don't you dare ever ever come back. ever.

i forgive you but i don't want to ever be hurt by you again and that is why i'm not ready for you. maybe someday this shit will start all up again but if it does... i promise you one thing. if you hurt me again i'll see to it that you are dealt with justly for your actions. love is not a losing game to play. you need to know that. you need to know how serious this is. your boyish days must be over with and you must learn to become a man because that is what i need in my life. not just another boy. a man and a real man. but when i think it through this way i just don't see it. the pieces don't fit. i don't see it ending right. i just see it falling away again. it's something about that place we met. i always seem to end up in these fucked up fallen ways when i get tangled up with anyone from there. so i try not to anymore. i'm glad i no longer even know them. i even screwed it up with your ex best friend and now he's getting married so i definitely hope he forgets... i still have so much to learn but then again so do you. the games you play would help it end sooner... just how much of a man are you now? are you? i doubt it. but time will tell i guess right? after all we'll meet again sometime some place. wether it be in another life or tomorrow. it will happen. it's inevitable. unfortunately. maybe i'll be prepared but maybe i won't even be there, because even if it were meant to be i'd still put up a fight.

Valkyrie

It's been awhile since I've seen all your faces. Well that's because I've been moving in and out of different towns, working too hard, then hardly working, among other things. So here it is I find I have the time and either cannot arrive with a sufficient excuse or grown tired of using the same excuse for not archiving my recent adventures.

First it was, "I should journal this moment immediately so as to blogspot it later on." Then time caught me off guard (as it so often does)and slipped through my fingers and all the journal entries of peculiar, fascinating, and perplexing occurrences became too many to bear and I was overwhelmed. To the point that the thought, "I'll just catch up on all of these and post them several days in a row with accurate dates of their happenings." Became a stress so I abandoned it. Now to prevent further waste of time and I can no longer stand being away from you all, I am here writing a new entry after nearly 7 months.

Seven. There goes that number again... "My lot in life" as they say... My God given number. 7 letters in my name, 7th month I was born, I'm the 7th roommate in my house, roommates took my shot glasses and left me with only 7, I used to have nightmares as a child about the number 7, and so on and so forth... I've been told (Spiritually speaking) that the number 7 represents completion. So I am destined to complete things I suppose? Or they just turn out that way somehow?

Tonight I finally watched Valkyrie and at the end of the movie this came on the screen. "The July 20 plot was the last of 15 known attempts by Germans to assassinate Adolf Hitler." Well it just so happens that July 20th is the day I was born. Which I find rather interesting seeing as I am part Israeli. By now I have come to expect the number 7 to represent quite a few significant things in my life. Represent the number of times things occur before they are completed that is... But I certainly wasn't expecting this.

More posts to come. How I've missed you so.