An Un-Posed Life

So i’m driving home from work as The Helio Sequence takes advantage of my permission to rattle my eardrums with their brilliantly assimilated song entitled “Hallelujah”. I slowly distract myself from its musical trance as i pay more attention to the freeway and the cars around me and making sure i stay in my lane. While doing so i can’t help but notice the car to my right. Afixed to its right rear window are these sticker letters that form the phrase (by now i’m sure you have accurately guessed) An Un-Posed Life. After reading it, my immediate reflective thought is, “Hm…” The Helio Sequence chimes in for a few seconds to remind me of their presence. I resist the temptation and open my mind up to discerning the meaning of this phrase. What it means to the people who parade it around on their car for everyone to see, what it should mean to me, and why God allowed me to see it (especially now). I chew it over in my mind once more; in an initialized sounding out of the the syllables manner. An. Un-posed. Life. My mind begins to unravel like this… Am i living a posed life and not an unposed one? Posing as something or someone i’m not? I usually think of myself as someone who lives my life in a rather straight forward fashion but maybe i’m wrong?… Or maybe it isn’t so much that i’m posing as some one or thing to other people. But rather to myself??? My mind now begins to contradict itself as it so often does. But who or what am i posing as? Then i realize, it’s not that i AM posing to be who or what i am not, but that i WAS!!! It wasn’t intentional. It occured as i was going through another one of my phases of rebelling against myself. I had become fed up and tired of being strong for myself and other people. I would constantly scream thoughts like this in my head. I’M TIRED OF BEING STRONG!!! STRONG FOR MYSELF AND OTHER PEOPLE WHO NEED IT!!! WHEN AM I FINALLY GOING TO BREAK???!! WHEN IS THE DAY GOING TO COME WHERE I JUST CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE??? In escence i became someone i was not. Posing as someone who just really doesn’t give a damn about shit anymore. Thankfully I stopped myself before i went to far. Hurting myself before realizing that i was. As i so often seem to do… A situation has been going on for sometime now between me, my parents, and my mentor/pastor. Sometime this week we are all hoping to have a sit down and straingten things out. There is more involved but i don’t really care to take the time to explain it all. The bottom line is i have been forced to make a decision to either move out now in my present circumstances or wait until the circumstances are somewhat better. As this is a serious decision and more complicated than i am making it sound, i have chosen not to make the decision on my own but with the help, advice, and wisdom of others. Most importantly with God’s input. He knows what decision i need to make and the decision i am going to make. Hopefully they are the same. I just need to figure out and listen to what he knows is best for me and i also need to be more than willing to follow through with it. Whatever happens, i know that God will help me and be there for me as i strive to live an uposed life.